Pulled by Purpose

The burnout rate for hospice work is an average of 2 to 3 years.  I’ve been a hospice chaplain for over 15 years, but I took a five year hiatus in the middle of this time to care for both of my parents who were on hospice.  I think that gave me a chance to recharge my batteries.  I know for sure, it gave me depth perception.  I found out what it was like to “stand on the other side of the bed”, and be the caretaker, not a professional team member.

It is apparent to all who know me, how much I love my job, in spite of its demanding nature.  I embrace the challenge of walking with one foot on earth, and the other foot in heaven, at least most of the time.

I would like to share a difficult period of time which occurred just before I began caring for my parents.  I had no idea that I would make the choice to take a break and care for them.  I had been intensely involved with a high census patient base.  I saw the statistics for a 90 day period made up of the months of December, January and February, during which time there were 50 deaths a month for each of those three months.  No matter how you do the math, that’s more than one death a day during most weeks.

I saw the performance evaluations for my service during that time, and the results were consistently above 95%.  I don’t point that out to impress you, but to impress upon you how hard I was working during that time.

I often point out to others how critical it is to pace themselves.  I emphasize balance and warn them about the symptoms to watch for when they’re overworked and HALT.  It stands for ‘STOP!’  if you find yourself hungry, angry, lonely or tired.

I also point out this disclaimer, “Take my advice, I’m not using it”!  Perhaps, if I had taken my own advice, I wouldn’t have started to spiral and needed outside help.  But, on the other hand, I would’ve missed out on this great lesson.

During the day, as I was driving from appointment to appointment, I would find myself thinking, “I wish I were dead, I wish I were dead!”

This went on for a couple of weeks before I realized it had become a pervasive thought and I determined that I needed more than just a timeout.  I called my favorite coach, Robert, and scheduled an appointment.

Robert is a multidimensional healer.  Licensed as a chiropractor, he also performs energy work and emotional healing.  Expecting a reaction as intense as my thoughts, I described my symptoms to him.  To my surprise, his response was a validation that, of course, I felt that way because there was an old or ineffective thought pattern that needed to die.  He explained that the ego misinterpreted the message, as meaning the organism/body needed to die in order to kill off the useless idea.

We explored that a little bit more, and I could see how the tidal wave of loss and death had put so many of my friends on the other side, that my connection to that side was stronger than my connection to life.

I was beginning to believe in the illusion of separation and loss.  Robert has a fondness for the book “A Course In Miracles”.  He read several passages from it that made an argument for connectedness beyond time and space.  Even though the ideas were esoteric, they resonated to my heart ache.

I often felt a connection to those I had helped crossover when they died.  Part of my work, was to encourage the forging of emotional and spiritual bonds strong enough to sustain the survivor after their loved one was no longer with them.

I wasn’t sure whether it was a backlash or a bonus that often times those bonds of connection included me. I had to learn how to consciously manage that. Otherwise, I became so drained that I was unable to be present.

Many surviving spouses are faced with that same decision.  This is especially true of couples who have been together for decades.  It’s as though a force of will must be exercised to reinvest in life when the person they have loved is no longer living.

For many, it starts for them, just as it did for me by changing the thought “I wish I were dead” to “I choose to live”.

Instead of feeling trapped by my job and my mortality, Robert assisted me in making a conscious choice to stay on this side of mortality. And, I began to be pulled by purpose, instead of pushed by pain.

It’s a powerful choice for anyone, and death doesn’t have to be the determining factor for making that choice; TO LIVE WITH GUSTO.