Write Your Own Obituary–Change Your Life

As a hospice chaplain, I have assisted hundreds of families with the process of writing an obituary.  Most mortuaries will provide surviving family members with obituary formats that consist of a simple fill in the blanks template that produces a perfectly acceptable result.  If all you want is the basic generic version, it can be easily achieved.

The challenge comes from producing a life sketch that is engaging, and still supplies the necessary basic information.  I have a few favorites.

There was the obituary where the patient who died ended up with three obituaries; one by the first wife, one by the second wife, and one written by the kids!

That reminds me of the obituary, written by my second husband when he knew he was going to die.  Our union was a short but intense 11 month rebound marriage.  After we divorced, he married again; a more age-appropriate, socially appropriate and altogether appropriate 20 year marriage.  I heard, indirectly, that as he wrote his obituary from his hospital bed, he declared, “I’m not putting anything into my obituary about the great blunder!”  It was reported, that comment was in reference to his marriage to me.  My youngest daughter, heard about the comment and it hurt her feelings.

I tried to comfort her; “Sweetie,” I said, “all of this was over 25 years ago.  Next time they say something like this, and you know they will, you have my permission to say ‘How odd, my mother uses almost those same words to describe what it was like to be married to John.’”  She and I had a good laugh, and I knew she would be okay.

Here’s a favorite example of someone writing her own obituary:

“Chantel would like to let you know.  She finished her work here early.  She received a call, the sort of an offer you can’t refuse, for an appointment from which she will not be returning.  This assignment comes with a huge sign on bonus, a reunion with family and friends.  She has not seen in a long time.  Job security is exactly hundred 10%.  Her new adventure takes her to a wonderful place where she will be socializing, dancing, and dominating crossword puzzles to her heart’s content.  Music, laughter and love are guaranteed.  Food is delicious, and apparently you never gain an ounce.  She left detailed instructions for her husband, children and extended family to celebrate her life, which is now underway.  Low adherence to these instructions will not be tolerated!”

The title of a workshop I presented for several years was: “Write Your Own Obituary, Change Your Life”,

in order to disarm the natural resistance humans have toward death and dying, it started by asking you to imagine the most ridiculous, fanciful and silly way you might have died.  It was a flight of fancy, that opened the back door to more serious explorations.

My obituary began; the Rev. Dr. JeanneLauree Jenkins Kuhlmann Olsen, died unexpectedly when she was struck by a UTA Trax train.  Or, I died chasing a Krispy Kreme’s truck in my red stiletto pumps and tripped on the debris from a homeless person’s overturned shopping cart.  The more ridiculous the better!

Once an element of whimsy, was introduced to the exercise, more serious information could be explored.

An informal life sketch, a sort of ‘curriculum vitae’ of my life’s journey came next.  It started with what was already known, and moved to a prognostication of what might be.  The purpose of this section of the exercise was a forced evaluation of where I had been and what I had done in my life so far and prepared me to asked the question; “Did I like who I had been?  What I had done?”  And, propelled me into; “What do I want to do with the time I have left?  What do I want to be known for, as I design the last chapters of my life?”

The simple format of this invitation belied the complexity of thought necessary to engage in the exercise.

I saw workshop participants confronted by unresolved family conflicts, incomplete life’s dreams, and personal pettiness and general nastiness.  The requirement to include lost opportunities, hurt feelings and broken promises and a general life sketch made many people squirm.

Equally uncomfortable, was the second part of the exercise, which was to now, design a life consciously and intentionally to right those wrongs, repair those relationships and go forth from the workshop with a renewed commitment to leave a legacy of goodness and honor.

It was true; the pretense of writing an obituary pulled me into deeper waters.  It was a forced consciousness, a chosen consciousness which propelled me toward a design for living that was elevated from the mundane drift of the unexamined life.  It propelled me toward powerful second chances, and, the possibility that, when the time came, my obituary would make me proud.